Ennui

Ennui – by Sylvia Plath

Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.

The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.

~ ~ ~

Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel blah? You know, a certain boredom tinged with a bit of anxiety and guilty that you should be doing something other than surfing the net or playing spider solitaire—again. That you should be conquering world hunger, or at least making a menu and shopping list for the week so you don’t end up staring into the fridge at five o clock in the evening wondering what to make for dinner.

I confess to just such feelings.

In fact, I felt like that yesterday.

It’s not like I didn’t start the day off well. For three hours yesterday morning I joined over thirty parents and students from my son’s charter school in a painting work day. More than that, I helped organize it—I happen to be the PTSO president. I painted and hobnobbed with other parents, even recruited a parent to join an important committee.

You would think that after spending three hours in community building and public service I would feel better about myself. Nope. Instead, that sinking feeling that I was running in place, like I was on some giant hamster wheel accomplishing absolutely nothing hit me. Of course, the few rounds of spider solitaire that afternoon will bring that out sometimes.
I like being busy. In fact, I am happiest when I have lot of things to do.

Someone asked me once what my idea of heaven was. My answer—that it would be like going to university. Learning, working, growing. What it wouldn’t be would be boring. That is my idea of hell—nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to help, no place to grow. Endless summer vacation. In a very hot place.

Every summer since I can remember I have always looked forward to the autumn and the return of school.  Laying poolside, besides being terrible for your skin just never really appealed to me. And now, with Alex being mostly grown (that is hard to believe) and my substitute teaching job on summer hiatus, I find myself with too much time on my hands.
We have a scripture in my church that sometimes plays in my head in moments like this. It states:

Men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness. (D&C 58:27)

Sometimes, when I play this scripture over in my mind I often add an “always” in there; as in ‘Men should always be anxiously engaged in a good cause.’ I do not believe that is what this verse means, at all. But it sometimes creeps into my thoughts. And so, when I feel like I am spinning my wheels and not working at some ambitious goals I have set for myself, I feel this unease rise up inside. Ironically, these feelings, if I let them persist do not help me get back to what I would like to be doing.
What to do about it?

Denying these feelings would not help. A therapist once told Shawn and I when we would feel these feelings of failure rise up in us, to let ourselves feel it—give it say five minutes of complete wallowing, and then after the time was up to set those feelings aside, get up and go on with our day. I have found that to be good advice.
Another thing I did was call a close friend who I knew would give me some great advice. She did.  She reminded me of what I already knew, that although I had these feelings right now, that they would pass and to not get stuck in them. Making a connection with a person I greatly admire helped me feel like I was not so alone in my feelings.

Lastly, I got on with my day and the feeling passed. Things are looking up and Alex’s school starts in just over two weeks! And I am currently back to work on some of my projects, including this blog.

One final thought, when talking about my feelings of unease I am not talking about clinical depression. I do not suffer from depression and am certainly not making any suggestions in that regard. If any of you do have those kind of feelings, I hope you will go seek professional help.

With love, Helene