He was a bit worried that this might be a bad omen—and more than a little ironic—that the day he was to demonstrate the end result of years of study and work was dedicated to celebrating fools. I assured him that April Fool’s Day was not something to be worried about. If anything it was a good sign. Are we not all fools? (see earlier blog post). And I showed him a Wiki on The Fool card in Tarot (see above).
Disclaimer: I do not have a deck of Tarot cards nor am I advocating using tarot to predict the future. That being said, I think the imagery and symbolism behind the tarot cards deal with common human problems and experiences.
The Cliff
The Fool is young. Too young to know that he is in danger. Most images of the fool symbolize this by showing the fool looking up while he is about to step off a cliff. We call him a fool because he is blind to the danger and seemingly unconcerned. And yet, how often can we rely on complete safety before venturing out on some new project or adventure? Without the willingness to take a chance on the unknown we would become immobilized.
Ten years ago we made the decision for Shawn to pursue his PhD at UNC-Chapel Hill. And it felt much like stepping off this cliff. Yet at the time, I was unconcerned. I felt as calm as a summer day, confident that everything would work out even though there were no guarantees that Shawn would be able to successfully complete his degree.
That was certainly foolish. It has been a very long and hard road. One filled with unexpected disruptions, tears, and discouragement. I recently read that 47 percent of all Ph.D. candidates feel depressed. We have been there.
If there was going to be hardship, why the preternatural calm?
I credit this calm to a gift of the Spirit, and as a result of concerted prayer as a couple and individually seeking for direction. I also credit it on having lived through other cliff-walking experienced. Choosing to go to college, choosing to serve a mission, choosing to marry, to have children, to accept a new job. All of these past experiences have felt like walking off a cliff into the unknown. Some of these times I was more excited than afraid of the new experience that awaited me. More often than not I was terrified.
Audentes Fortuna Iuvat
Fortune favors the bold. Why? Because often times it takes the willingness to risk in order to gain. No Risk, No Reward. Of course, risk comes with dangers. Some of them very deadly.
I just finished reading a Bill Bryson book entitled One Summer: America 1927. He starts the summer off with Charles Lindbergh. What made Charles Lindbergh worth mentioning is that during the summer of 1927 he became the first person to make a non-stop transatlantic flight from New York to Paris. That one flight changed his life. What I did not know before reading this book were the names of the other aviators who had attempted the journey in the months and weeks before Lindbergh.
Rene Fonck, a French WWI Ace made an attempt but his plane exploded after failing to take off. Two of his crew died. Richard Byrd and Anthony Fokker tried next. Nobody died this time, but Byrd broke his arm and a crew member was seriously injured by a propeller. The next to try were Noel Davis and Stanton H. Wooster. Their plane failed to clear the trees at the end of the runway, stalled and crashed. They both died.
This is the context of Charles Lindbergh’s historic flight. As much as we take transatlantic flights for granted now, how many of us would have been willing to fly a route that had killed or seriously injured nearly everyone who had tried before us?
Only a fool, right?
I almost did not marry Shawn because I was too afraid. I had been engaged before to a less than kind individual, who broke off our engagement because we were just too different. (Thank goodness for tender mercies. I would have married this man out of sheer stubbornness.) I had many other examples of my shortcomings. How could someone as foolish as I make such a life altering decision?
My self-doubts reached such proportions that I verbalized my feelings on a double date to a Greek bouzouki bar, ending all conversation for the following two hours. What I said was this, ‘Shawn has received spiritual confirmation that getting married is the right choice. I haven’t, but that’s okay. His answer is good enough for me.’ Read that with a huge helping of sarcasm.
That response was not good enough for Shawn. He assured me of his love. He also assured me that this was a decision I needed to make and that I needed to know for myself that this is what I wanted to do. He would accept whatever my answer was.
I decided it was time to fast and pray. Over a weekend in March I went without food for a day and spent many hours in prayer and meditation. What I was seeking was some sort of reassurance that I was on the right path, that the decision to marry Shawn was the correct one. I did not want to step off a cliff, I wanted bedrock beneath my feet. I asked God how I could know I was making a correct decision when I did not trust myself to do so.
I received no answer. No burning bush. No angelic messenger Sunday night. Nothing.
Monday morning, mentally exhausted I went to my law school carrel to read up before my first class of the day. As I was sitting there, one of my law school friends came up to me. She said that she did not know why, but that she felt like she was supposed to tell me something. She said, just because you made mistakes in the past does not mean you are making those same mistakes now. At that moment I felt the spirit confirm these words and remind me that I already had received the witness of the Spirit with regards to Shawn every time I went out with him and felt calm, peace and joy. What more witness did I need?
I was finally ready for the cliff.
It is not as if I suddenly knew that everything work out, that Shawn was not some secret ax murderer. (He did not turn out to be an ax murderer, if you were wondering.) The reality is that we all operate on the certain knowledge that things will most certainly not all work out—at least as far as physical well being goes. Sometimes our best efforts end in spectacular crashes and we do not walk away unscathed.
It is still better to venture. Not recklessly, without thought or proper planning. But try nevertheless. Channel your inner fool, the part of you that puts her trust in God that if you do what is right and do your best, everything will work out in the end.
So here is to Shawn! Congratulations to you for all your hard work in achieving your academic goal. It was a perfect way to celebrate April Fool’s Day.
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